Hello, it's me (And I'm not Adele so I'll stop this right now)
Anyways, as you may have gathered I will be starting a blog and will post on it semi-regularly. My main goal of this blog is actually to create a space for myself to process and reflect on all that I learned and experienced at a global missions conference this winter called Urbana 15. Secondly, I would love to share with all interested friends and family in detail about Urbana too, and this will also serve that purpose well!
(Disclaimer: with these goals in mind, my posts may not have perfectly correct grammar, there may be things I could say differently or in a more concise manner, and there are many things I am still unsure about so I ask for grace in this! This is my first blog after all.)
You may ask, why the title: "Letting Go and Leaning In"?
To answer that question, I would say that these are two of the most important lessons I have had to learn. As a college student away from home I have had to let go of living at home and a certain way of life that came with that. I have let go of certain relationships, of certain luxuries, and of certain expectations I had of my college experience. As a follower of Jesus, I am continually in the process of letting go of my own plans for myself, letting go of my pride, and letting go of my expectations of others in order to love them like Jesus would.
I also believe the concept of "leaning in" has characterized my college experience (and I do hope it characterizes a part of your life too). I have found something I really love, and given time, effort, and work. (This thing for me primarily being the choice to follow Jesus and secondarily being involved in InterVarsity Christian Fellowship) And the going has been very tough at times. I have questioned many things and grappled with many issues. But in those moments I have found it has been very helpful and ultimately beneficial to lean in to it (to lean into Jesus) and keep on keeping on. To not walk away in frustration, but to take time to listen. To take yourself out of the equation for a bit and ask Jesus what He sees in the situation because a lot of the time some of our best growth and transformation can come out of conflict and tension.
While that is a small glimpse of why this is my blog title, each blog post will probably expand on one of these two concepts (or both) and the ways that God has been helping me become better at each one. Real talk: these are two of the hardest things for me to do. I absolutely love control and having a plan so I'm often very bad at letting go, and on the flip side, I hate any sort of conflict or argument so when conflict happens I feel like I have a natural urge to run away. I love feeling comfortable and getting along with people, but how will I ever grow if that is my only experience? Anyway, welcome to my blog!!
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Black Friday & Urbana?
I LOVED Urbana! Don't get me wrong here. There are only a few very tiny things that I thought could have been differently at the conference and this is probably the biggest one for me.
Before each general session (that's where all 16,000 gather in the "dome"), we could usually enter into the arena early. Sometimes an hour early, sometimes thirty minutes. Of course, people naturally want to save seats so they can experience the conference with their friends, their classmates, and their small group! All good.
Often times, people also wanted to get good seats because there was floor seating where you could be super close to the worship team.
In particular on New Years Eve, everyone knew we would be having a worship and dance party to ring in the new year. (This is an aside, but that night was CRAZY fun! I don't know if I'll ever have a New Years Eve as good and as fun as that one!) So more than ever, students really wanted to be at the floor seats where you could get some mosh pits going and have some more space to dance.
Unfortunately, this made the atmosphere eerily similar to Black Friday. People were getting pushed and shoved to the front as the herd tried to force its way forward. Stadium workers and servants had a very hard time making their way through so they could prepare the dome. Someone even almost got trampled.
And I wish I was kidding. We're a group of Christians, right? Are good seats really that important? We are all getting to experience the same thing. We can all hear the speakers and all hear the worship. Is it really that necessary that we compete with one another for the best seats?
It was one of the moments were I felt a little filthy to be honest. I felt like some collective repentance should have happened. That's not the way we should treat our brothers and sisters, especially the ushers and workers in the stadium just trying to make sure everyone stays safe and no one gets hurt. It brought me back to the passage where Jesus instructs people to not sit at the head of the table, the place of honor, but to put themselves at the worst spot. So either, 1) they can stay there and keep their dignity and pride intact or 2) get invited to move up to a better spot.
So in an effort to be honest: Yeah, that happened at Urbana and it irked me a bit. I really only witnessed it on New Years Eve, but that was enough to have some effect on me. This will be my last blog post for a bit, but in my next 2-3 posts I will really elaborate on some of my favorite and most meaningful parts of Urbana!!
Before each general session (that's where all 16,000 gather in the "dome"), we could usually enter into the arena early. Sometimes an hour early, sometimes thirty minutes. Of course, people naturally want to save seats so they can experience the conference with their friends, their classmates, and their small group! All good.
Often times, people also wanted to get good seats because there was floor seating where you could be super close to the worship team.
In particular on New Years Eve, everyone knew we would be having a worship and dance party to ring in the new year. (This is an aside, but that night was CRAZY fun! I don't know if I'll ever have a New Years Eve as good and as fun as that one!) So more than ever, students really wanted to be at the floor seats where you could get some mosh pits going and have some more space to dance.
Unfortunately, this made the atmosphere eerily similar to Black Friday. People were getting pushed and shoved to the front as the herd tried to force its way forward. Stadium workers and servants had a very hard time making their way through so they could prepare the dome. Someone even almost got trampled.
And I wish I was kidding. We're a group of Christians, right? Are good seats really that important? We are all getting to experience the same thing. We can all hear the speakers and all hear the worship. Is it really that necessary that we compete with one another for the best seats?
It was one of the moments were I felt a little filthy to be honest. I felt like some collective repentance should have happened. That's not the way we should treat our brothers and sisters, especially the ushers and workers in the stadium just trying to make sure everyone stays safe and no one gets hurt. It brought me back to the passage where Jesus instructs people to not sit at the head of the table, the place of honor, but to put themselves at the worst spot. So either, 1) they can stay there and keep their dignity and pride intact or 2) get invited to move up to a better spot.
So in an effort to be honest: Yeah, that happened at Urbana and it irked me a bit. I really only witnessed it on New Years Eve, but that was enough to have some effect on me. This will be my last blog post for a bit, but in my next 2-3 posts I will really elaborate on some of my favorite and most meaningful parts of Urbana!!
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
On Being Hard on Myself, Also Growth
So if you've been reading my previous posts (and I've been writing them so I know!) you may feel like I'm a bit hard on myself, which is true. I would say that it is not all bad- believe it or not I am more comfortable in my own skin then I have ever been before! And I do think some of it stems from a commitment to be more real, more honest, and more vulnerable. But alas, I am also not the best at seeing the ways that I have grown and recognizing God's work in me so I figured in this post I could talk about some ways I've grown and how God has been transforming me.
1) Loving people!
So I'm a very punctual and organized person. When it is crunch time, I get serious. And if you are the opposite of that, odds were that you may kind of bug me and I could lose patience with you quickly. But, Jesus has been lavishing me with such peace and understanding lately that I have so much more patience and grace when I'm working with laid back people. (Still working on it too!) I've been able to learn from them in the process as well. It's been awesome. Some of my friendships have gotten so much better and deeper.
2) Not Hoarding My Time
I particularly noticed this Urbana when I saw a seminar for "busy people" and realized that I don't define myself as busy anymore. Let me explain... there were plenty of times freshmen and sophomore year where I almost had every minute of every day planned out. There was no room for spontaneity and I hardly gave any of that time to Jesus. It was like I knew how to spend my time better than He did. Ha.
So very fortunately this is not the case today. As I've learned to take less on, manage my time better, and give myself more time to rest- I have become so much more spontaneous! (And much more like a college student to be honest) And it's made some great memories let me tell you! Ice blocking down a one hundred foot slip and slide with a bunch of friends was one.
3) Understanding God's heart for the oppressed ( This will actually be addressed in a post to come so I won't elaborate on it here, but I will say this one was definitely the most unexpected thing God has been up to in me)
1) Loving people!
So I'm a very punctual and organized person. When it is crunch time, I get serious. And if you are the opposite of that, odds were that you may kind of bug me and I could lose patience with you quickly. But, Jesus has been lavishing me with such peace and understanding lately that I have so much more patience and grace when I'm working with laid back people. (Still working on it too!) I've been able to learn from them in the process as well. It's been awesome. Some of my friendships have gotten so much better and deeper.
2) Not Hoarding My Time
I particularly noticed this Urbana when I saw a seminar for "busy people" and realized that I don't define myself as busy anymore. Let me explain... there were plenty of times freshmen and sophomore year where I almost had every minute of every day planned out. There was no room for spontaneity and I hardly gave any of that time to Jesus. It was like I knew how to spend my time better than He did. Ha.
So very fortunately this is not the case today. As I've learned to take less on, manage my time better, and give myself more time to rest- I have become so much more spontaneous! (And much more like a college student to be honest) And it's made some great memories let me tell you! Ice blocking down a one hundred foot slip and slide with a bunch of friends was one.
3) Understanding God's heart for the oppressed ( This will actually be addressed in a post to come so I won't elaborate on it here, but I will say this one was definitely the most unexpected thing God has been up to in me)
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Performing Arts at Urbana
One thing I really will cherish from Urbana was getting to watch the Performing Arts team bring scripture to life through dance, skits, and song!
Getting to see extremely talented actors, dancers, and singers use their skills for the glory of God was so encouraging. Plus as a viewer, it helped me empathize with certain characters in the Bible, feel more raw emotion, and even gain new insight and understanding on the passage! I could tell each scene, each choreographed number took a ton of work and these artists were bringing their A game.
As someone who hasn't felt particularly called to ministry (maybe that will change, we'll see), it is always reassuring to see various other professions and how they can bring so much glory to the Kingdom! Plus as a musician and a die-hard fan of So You Think You Can Dance, it was just really cool to see quality entertainment in a Christian context.
If you're curious about it, one of the dances that really moved me was a dance that was performed when we prayed for the persecuted church. The pillars in the arena represent different countries where Christians are persecuted and the dancers gradually bring their light to each place! It was a hopeful yet poignant number.
https://vimeo.com/150403857
Getting to see extremely talented actors, dancers, and singers use their skills for the glory of God was so encouraging. Plus as a viewer, it helped me empathize with certain characters in the Bible, feel more raw emotion, and even gain new insight and understanding on the passage! I could tell each scene, each choreographed number took a ton of work and these artists were bringing their A game.
As someone who hasn't felt particularly called to ministry (maybe that will change, we'll see), it is always reassuring to see various other professions and how they can bring so much glory to the Kingdom! Plus as a musician and a die-hard fan of So You Think You Can Dance, it was just really cool to see quality entertainment in a Christian context.
If you're curious about it, one of the dances that really moved me was a dance that was performed when we prayed for the persecuted church. The pillars in the arena represent different countries where Christians are persecuted and the dancers gradually bring their light to each place! It was a hopeful yet poignant number.
https://vimeo.com/150403857
Bible Study Day 3: Matthew 25:31-46
Of all the passages we looked at, this one was probably the most convicting. Even apart from the passage, my phone and wallet were still MIA at this point so I also got to see myself get a bit impatient and frustrated with God about that which was not the prettiest sight. I can say that I trust in God's timing and I believe that is better than mine, but actually living that out doesn't always happen.
Anyways, about Bible Study! Several things really touched me:
1) What matters is doing something for people. This passage says "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat...". It doesn't say a well-balanced meal from a five star restaurant to eat so even if you aren't able to give someone the "perfect" thing, Jesus is okay with that. He just wants you to give something! And that's comforting. We also discussed that plenty of times WE are the people in need so we can often switch roles in this story.
2) It's all about your heart. The giving people (the sheep in this story) were so confused when Jesus was telling them what they did. And as we are discussing that, it seems like those generous actions just kind of flowed right out of them and they weren't super aware of it. They just loved people and did nice things for them. And they didn't feel coerced into doing kind acts and they weren't thinking "Wow, I'm such a great person" while doing these things.
And I wouldn't say that is super characteristic of me. Case in point: during this study I found myself actually vocalizing: "how is this plausible? Do you feed everyone hungry person you come across?" and I would say that reveals the condition of my heart a lot of the time: How much do I have to do to be a "good" Jesus follower? And that's totally the wrong question. I should want to be like Jesus, that shouldn't be something I have to do. It's not an easy task for sure, but it's one that's ultimately worthwhile. And secondly, I know Jesus wants my everything. And I knew that when I asked this question, but it is so hard to completely submit ourselves to His Lordship sometimes. Especially as someone who likes to have control.
So this bible study kind of hit me like a ton of bricks, but at the end of it I got the news that my phone and wallet had been found (so I was extra ready to praise Jesus!) and I got the opportunity to participate in the Urbana offering (each year the conference takes up an offering for various Christian nonprofits working all over the world) and that was such a tangible way to act on my convictions!
Anyways, about Bible Study! Several things really touched me:
1) What matters is doing something for people. This passage says "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat...". It doesn't say a well-balanced meal from a five star restaurant to eat so even if you aren't able to give someone the "perfect" thing, Jesus is okay with that. He just wants you to give something! And that's comforting. We also discussed that plenty of times WE are the people in need so we can often switch roles in this story.
2) It's all about your heart. The giving people (the sheep in this story) were so confused when Jesus was telling them what they did. And as we are discussing that, it seems like those generous actions just kind of flowed right out of them and they weren't super aware of it. They just loved people and did nice things for them. And they didn't feel coerced into doing kind acts and they weren't thinking "Wow, I'm such a great person" while doing these things.
And I wouldn't say that is super characteristic of me. Case in point: during this study I found myself actually vocalizing: "how is this plausible? Do you feed everyone hungry person you come across?" and I would say that reveals the condition of my heart a lot of the time: How much do I have to do to be a "good" Jesus follower? And that's totally the wrong question. I should want to be like Jesus, that shouldn't be something I have to do. It's not an easy task for sure, but it's one that's ultimately worthwhile. And secondly, I know Jesus wants my everything. And I knew that when I asked this question, but it is so hard to completely submit ourselves to His Lordship sometimes. Especially as someone who likes to have control.
So this bible study kind of hit me like a ton of bricks, but at the end of it I got the news that my phone and wallet had been found (so I was extra ready to praise Jesus!) and I got the opportunity to participate in the Urbana offering (each year the conference takes up an offering for various Christian nonprofits working all over the world) and that was such a tangible way to act on my convictions!
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Bible Study Day 2: Matthew 20:1-16
Once again, I was in awe of the intelligence of my peers in this bible study! One of the observations that really stuck out was when one gentleman in the room drew our attention to all of the action verbs in the passage! (And there's a ton.) It definitely drove home that Jesus comes to us and meets us where we are at, and living life with Jesus is work!
Two things about Bible Study on Day 2:
1) On one hand, the fact that Jesus keeps coming back to the market place is super encouraging! I love the fact that Jesus doesn't just go for the people who always get picked first because there are lots of times when I don't feel like a "first pick" and it is definitely a comfort that Jesus loves us so much he will keep coming and keep coming to the marketplace to get more workers!
2) On the other hand though, Jesus pays his workers that worked the whole day and his workers that worked one hour the same amount and that's kind of hard to swallow when you're the worker who has been there all day. And for me, that was convicting. I'm someone who definitely strives to be a hard worker, to be organized and manage my time well. If a job needs to get done, I'll try my best to be the one to step up and do it. And that's all well and good to a point. But as this passage shows, a sense of entitlement, of pride can keep you from celebrating God's generosity to others which is amazing. Jesus gave the people so desperate for a job a place to work and an incredible wage! Imagine them triumphantly walking home knowing that they can feed their families tonight. That's a beautiful, happy scene, but the first workers feel jealousy and anger because they expected more money themselves.
This past year or so, I have found myself at times complaining about how much work and service I do for, what feels like to me, disproportionate reward. I have seen others who in my view (which is deceptive!) aren't working as hard have such success (in drawing people closer to Christ) and such recognition, and my thoughts and actions haven't always been celebratory or joyful to say the least.
But I "signed up" for this so to speak. I agreed to the terms and I'm working for Jesus. I shouldn't expect some reward that He hasn't promised me. That's not super rational..., but very human. Plus I want to work for this guy who is constantly looking for more unemployed people to give a job.
Two things about Bible Study on Day 2:
1) On one hand, the fact that Jesus keeps coming back to the market place is super encouraging! I love the fact that Jesus doesn't just go for the people who always get picked first because there are lots of times when I don't feel like a "first pick" and it is definitely a comfort that Jesus loves us so much he will keep coming and keep coming to the marketplace to get more workers!
2) On the other hand though, Jesus pays his workers that worked the whole day and his workers that worked one hour the same amount and that's kind of hard to swallow when you're the worker who has been there all day. And for me, that was convicting. I'm someone who definitely strives to be a hard worker, to be organized and manage my time well. If a job needs to get done, I'll try my best to be the one to step up and do it. And that's all well and good to a point. But as this passage shows, a sense of entitlement, of pride can keep you from celebrating God's generosity to others which is amazing. Jesus gave the people so desperate for a job a place to work and an incredible wage! Imagine them triumphantly walking home knowing that they can feed their families tonight. That's a beautiful, happy scene, but the first workers feel jealousy and anger because they expected more money themselves.
This past year or so, I have found myself at times complaining about how much work and service I do for, what feels like to me, disproportionate reward. I have seen others who in my view (which is deceptive!) aren't working as hard have such success (in drawing people closer to Christ) and such recognition, and my thoughts and actions haven't always been celebratory or joyful to say the least.
But I "signed up" for this so to speak. I agreed to the terms and I'm working for Jesus. I shouldn't expect some reward that He hasn't promised me. That's not super rational..., but very human. Plus I want to work for this guy who is constantly looking for more unemployed people to give a job.
Worship at Urbana: Spoiler, it rocked!
Worship at Urbana was definitely one of my personal highlights! I think three things made it really awesome for me.
1) Getting to worship in the same room as 16,000 people! During many of the songs, I would try to take a moment to look around the convention center and take it all in. There is something so powerful and moving about seeing thousands of people worshipping Jesus just like you.
2) Worship was incredibly high quality, polished, and well executed. As a musician, great music is like Chicken noodle soup to my soul and this was it! The worship team was so crazy talented. I knew one of the songs had a rap in it, and I figured that the Urbana worship team would skip the rap, but instead one of the vocalists learned it and delivered it flawlessly! (Probably better than the original in my opinion)
3) And this is probably the most important one: Worship was intentionally and strategically multiethnic. There were students from all over the world at this conference. There were students from Canada who spoke fluent French. There were Latino and Latina students whose first language is Spanish. There were black students who have grown up in black church. There were Asian American students who attend immigrant churches. And the worship team made each of these groups feel comfortable and welcome during the five days. We were singing in Spanish, dancing to some gospel, belting some French, Korean, Swahili, sprinkling in some Hillsong and Chris Tomlin, and it felt so deeply good knowing that the worship team was really trying to love everyone here by doing songs that were comfortable for them.
(Personal favorite moment: During one of the songs we could choose from four different languages to sing so I was singing Korean while the person behind me is singing English and my neighbor is singing Swahili! It was such a beautiful glimpse of what heaven will be like when we are all praising God in our first languages)
The other thing the worship team did which I also loved was that Erna sent vocalists in the worship team to a different country to learn a song that they had been singing there and bring it back to us. So we got to share in the song and culture of Jordan and sing in Arabic, of Hawaii to learn a Pacific Islander song, and of Mexico where missionary students urged us to "decir la verdad" (tell the Truth!) In singing these songs, it felt like in some very small way, I could support the missionaries in that place and what they were trying to do by learning their songs. I felt so transformed by each of the pieces in part because some cultures focus on different elements of God that I may not normally pay attention to, and being reminded of all of the characteristics of God was so nice! It definitely did change some of the ways that I see Him and made Him so much greater.
So worship was great! Some parts were uncomfortable, and I knew my pronunciation wasn't the best about 99% of the time, but it was enriching. Very enriching.
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